all categories · mental health · mindset · motherhood

Being the “Default Parent” and Choosing to Love It!

I’m sure you’ve seen all the Instagram posts and things being shared about how awful and hard it is to be the default parent. I know I have. To be mildly harsh, I’m over it. It plays off this victim mentality that we are the victim of our kids. We aren’t and I refuse to let that be the way I see myself or my children.

What if you changed the way you narrate the term “default parent” in your mind. What if you flipped the script and found that being the default parent is a positive thing.

You are the default parent and that’s incredible!

You know your kids so well that you’ve got every detail and need stored in your mind.

You are their comfort, their safe haven, their happy place.

You aren’t the default parent because you have to be.

You are the default parent because you want to be.

You’ve put in the work to learn so deeply about each and every one of your children.

You’ve been tuned into them since before they were born. Their blood runs through your body.

You are the default parent because you have chosen to be and you get to be.

I have fallen in love with being the default parent. It brings me purpose and joy.


Like many moms I was consumed by all the negativity around being the parent who “always has to figure it out” or the “If I don’t do it who will?” mentality. I saw it everywhere. It was the topic of conversations with friends. I felt bad for myself and thought I was the “victim” of my children. Yuck, it feels awful even writing that.

Recently, when our boys were sick, I found myself playing the victim of my circumstances. My mind went to the classic saying of “It’s always up to me to figure it out.” Luckily, when you work on your mindset, your mind corrects those negative thoughts. I switched it over to being grateful that I am able to figure it out. I am able to make the calls, get to the doctor, find other options for childcare, or take the day off.

I’m not saying being the “default parent” is going to be easy, its not. Nothing in parenthood is easy. We choose our hard though. When we accept our circumstances and find gratitude in being the default parent, it truly makes things less difficult. The circumstances are hard enough, we don’t need our mind to make it worse.

I am the default parent AND I can ask for help when needed. Just because you are the default parent doesn’t mean you have to do it all on your own either. When my son was sick, I sprung into action, I asked for help from my own mom to watch Cyrus, so I could bring Banks to the doctor. My mind didn’t even have the capacity to play victim because I’ve refused to accept that. If she wasn’t available or said no, I knew I could figure it because I choose to, not because I have to.

If you are finding yourself having the same thoughts that I did around being the default parent but are also sick of it, I encourage you to change the way you narrate that in your mind. Being the default parent for your children is a positive thing. The cool thing about your mindset is that you can change it at any point. Repeat after me.

I know my kids incredibly well.

I have every detail of them and their needs stored in my mind.

I am their comfort, their safe haven, their happy place.

I trust myself to be the person they need me to be.

I am the default parent because I have chosen to be, I want to be and I get to be.

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